Never Set The Vacuum Cleaner Down In Dewy Grass!

September 16, 2010 marked the 44th anniversary of my marriage to my friend, confidant, nurse, cook, housekeeper, mother of my sons, and my legal lover (the time before the marriage is none of your business!) As such, I thought that I would take a minute to note a few things I've learned since I asked her if she would marry me. 1) You don't make your best impression if you propose over the telephone, half full of scotch, from a neighborhood bar. Sara and I were living hundreds of miles apart with her in North Carolina and me stationed in Philadelphia. I couldn't stand not being with her any longer so I reinforced my courage, got every quarter there was in the bar till for making the call, and as soon as she answered, said something super elegant like, "So, ya wanna get married?" I heard her make sort of a gagging sound and thought she might be getting sick, but she stayed on the line long enough to let me make her know that I was serious and to say "yes". As soon as we hung up, I filled the other half of me full of scotch. 2) Never tell a woman, with an iron in her hand, how to do your shirts. Marine dress shirts have three pleats in the back and two pleats in the front. Mind you, I didn't know how to iron them when we first got married, but I wasn't hesitant about telling Sara how they should be done. Sara had the ironing board set up in her parent's bedroom and her Dad and I were watching as she ironed my uniform for me. Like an idiot, I kept telling her how I thought it ought to be done. I noticed her Dad kept shaking his head at me, but I've never been too good at picking up subtle hints. Finally, Sara had had all she could take of my help. She slammed the iron down - hot side down! - on my shirt and said, loud enough for the neighbors to hear just so I wouldn't miss another subtle hint, "If you want the d&&med thing ironed, do it yourself!" Her Dad laughed until tears came out of his eyes and I don't think she's ever ironed another shirt for me since. The best I can recall, the scorch mark never came out of my uniform shirt either. 3) There is no satisfaction in arguing with a closed door. I have always been a get hot fast, take inappropriate action, get over it quickly kind of guy. Sara and I didn't know each other long enough before we got married (about 4 months total) to ever have a fight. After we got married and we had a DISAGREEMENT, I expected her to stand up like a man and fight back. Wrong! She just found a room - the bathroom in our first apartment, an efficiency, and later the bedroom - went in and quietly shut the door in my face. Where's the respect in that? I would shout for her to come on back out, that I wasn't through fighting yet. She would respond with nothing but silence. I never did find enough nerve to open the door and go in. 4) There is a big difference in morning people and those who are not morning people. I'm a morning person. I'll let you guess about Sara. The morning of our 44th anniversary, I jumped out of bed, slapped her on the butt, and said, "Good morning, beautiful. Happy anniversary!" She said, "umf" and pulled the covers over her head. After showering and brushing my teeth, so I know I smelled good, I went back into the bedroom, leaned over her in bed and said, "Happy anniversary. How about a kiss?" She said, "Go kiss the dog and leave me alone!", which is a lot for her to say before about 10 a.m. I'm sure she'll be much more passionate the morning of our 45th anniversary. 5) Never set the vacuum cleaner down in dewy grass. Sara and I spent our wedding night in my folks house. We were the only ones there, for any of you who are wondering. As a poor, young PFC of Marines, I didn't own a car, so I had borrowed my Dad's car to take on our honeymoon to the mountains. I got up early the morning following our wedding and took it upon myself to clean up the car before leaving. There must have been a bushel of rice in the car. Dad used to swear that he was still finding grains when he traded it six years later. The cord to the vacuum cleaner wouldn't reach to the driveway, so I pulled the car into the yard. I plugged in the vacuum and carried it out to the car. Being unmindful of the fact that the yard was soaked with dew, I set the vacuum down on the grass. Sparks flew and so did I. Sparks flew from my very short hair and I flew about 6 feet across the yard. I paid to have a professional do the rest of the car cleaning. I really thought I had gotten by with doing something so dumb. Sara hadn't noticed anything but the lights flickering inside. Later I found out that the neighbors across the street just happened to be watching out their front window. They told my Mom and Dad that it was the funniest thing that they had ever seen and that they laughed so hard that they almost wet their pants. I still have a real fear of using a vacuum cleaner. 6) I'll never love anyone else the way that I have and do love Sara. All kidding aside, and all of the stuff above really happened, I was so incredibly lucky. It's just a shame that it didn't work out that way for both of us.