Darkness

Mother Teresa once wrote: Now Father -- since 49 or 50 this terrible sense of loss -- this untold darkness -- this loneliness this continual longing for God -- which gives me that pain deep down in my heart -- Darkness is such that I really do not see -- neither with my mind nor with my reason -- the place of God in my soul is blank -- There is no God in me -- when the pain of longing is so great -- I just long & long for God -- and then it is that I feel -- He does not want me -- He is not there -- . . . God does not want me -- Sometimes -- I just hear my own heart cry out -- "My God" and nothing else comes -- The torture and pain I can't explain -- I would never ever try to compare myself with Mother Teresa, but in this particular case, I believe that I feel her darkness. God does not want me. Otherwise, where is my calling? What am I to do? Mother Teresa had a relationship with God through her calling as a nun since she was 12 years old. I'm 65 and don't feel like I have a relationship. How long can I wait? Am I to drive a school bus and do taxes for the rest of my life? Is this what my "calling" is to be? After one of my blog entries, not too long ago, a reader really took me to task. She let me know quickly that my acts, no matter how good they may be or how well meaning, weren't the answer to God's plan, but instead wanted to know how many souls I had brought to Christ? To how many have I told Christ's story? Her questions have some validity, but let me tell you that the school system doesn't want me leading a prayer service on the bus. H&R Block doesn't want me give my testimony to my clients either. I'm pretty simple minded and don't have much imagination. If God really wants me, why doesn't He understand that I don't understand. You did not choose me; I chose you and appointed you to go and bear much fruit, the kind of fruit that endures. John 15:16 I feel like the little, non-athletic fat kid that is picked last for the baseball game and sent out to left field where he won't be in the way and won't do much damage. There is no fruit for me to bear, only darkness.