What It Is Is Depression

Well, I guess the best way to say it is just to say it... I suffer from depression. I have done so for many years now. I really didn't recognize it for what it was until about 10 years ago. I guess I figured that everyone experiences some down times, some incidences of extreme road rage, some bone deep weariness, and a huge dissatisfaction with the way God is running the world at the moment. My problem finally came to a head when Sara told me that I was either going to have to get some help or she was going to have to leave. I've never read anywhere that fear is a good technique for helping to control depression, but let me tell you, the fear of loosing my Sara was more than I could bare to think about. I can say absolutely that my friend, Lori Carter, saved my marriage, and it might not be too much of a stretch to say that she saved my life. Lori was serving as the Parish Nurse, on staff at First Baptist Church, at that time. I knew that she was someone I could talk to and, when I called her, she wasted no time in meeting with me. I didn't have a clue what was wrong. If Lori has filled me with platitudes, you know the ones, how you can set the tone of your own day, etc., I would have believed her and tried to work on having a more positive mental attitude. What she did was walk with me, listen to me, and tell me to do two things RIGHT NOW! She insisted that I see my medical doctor and that I see a counselor. I did both and began finally to recognize that I have a medical problem (for those of you who think that I don't have a brain in my head, I do, it just doesn't work right!) Medicines for depression take time to work, often as much as 4 to 6 weeks. During that time, Lori held on to me tightly. We would walk and talk and allow me to vent. Over the years since, I don't see her as often as I would like, but she has a permanent spot in my heart that time nor distance will ever be able to change. My depression is pretty much controllable with daily medication. There seems to have been lots of times over the past 10 years that my doctors and I have had to tweak dosage or to even change medicines. I've just begun either my 3rd or 4th change to a primary medicine. They seem to work pretty well for a time, but eventually they just don't do the needed job. Sometimes, I can recognize a need for change before it becomes imperative. Sometimes, I can't. Depression has cost me at least two jobs. In looking back, the pressure of the job had to have played a large part in my falling into the pit. I just didn't recognize the danger until it was upon me. Several years ago, I was on the road working as a computer systems contractor. I wasn't making it home many weekends and the hours of work were horrific. Without realizing that I was so close to falling, I suddenly found myself standing in the parking lot of the place I worked. I was in tears, on the phone to Sara, saying that I couldn't take care of myself and couldn't get home. I had to have her come get me. How wonderful to have someone who loves me so much that she will drop everything to rescue me. The last job was local, but the pressure of it was incredible as well. Ironically, I did recognize that I was in danger and had been to a psychiatrist just the day before I quit. I guess that I didn't recognize the signs quite enough in advance. I'm not working right now. I'm actively looking for something that will allow me to make a few dollars, keep me off the street and busy, and not put too much pressure on me. So, if you hear that I'm not working, "don't cry for me, Argentina." I'll find something. My depression will get better with this new medicine. I'll spend time with my whole family at the beach in a couple of months. My family and friends will hold me and pray for me while I'm in the pit. God will always love me. It may not sound like it sometime, but life is good and I really believe that.